Many years ago, after I devoured most of Carlos Castaneda's books, went through the Tao Te Ching, various Buddhist writings, attempts at meditation, consumed various psychotropic gifts of the gods -among other safe and not so safe journey's to find the meaning of life, I still feel like a piece of pollen flying on the body of a bee, falling on a flower or two only to be swept up again on another journey.

At first I learned the path to Nirvana was a solo journey that required me to leave this world and all its trappings behind.
I also learned I needed to dream my way out of here by creating a dream double and learning to will myself into the various layers of reality.
These were both 'small vehicle' views of the purpose of life. Save your ass, leave the rest behind.

Next I learned I needed to share knowledge and experiences, connect and reflect, to be able to purify myself and the world of its problems in my miniscule way. I had to pick my piece of the rock and chip away at it. Eventually all of us who are chipping away would make a break through to the other side and help lead others to Nirvana.
This was the 'large vehicle' view of the purpose of life. Helping others will help you, for you are the others as much as you are you.

The answer of course is always somewhere in the middle.

It is never easy to find that middle ground.

My homeboy and fellow traveler, Eli Star, was a DJ who I admired for his spirituall grounding and mixing of dope ass tripped out music. I took him up to the mountains one time to share in a sacred sweat ceremony. As I have learned, the sweat makes us one, we return to the Earth womb, and we are all united. At the same time we are there to deal with our own demons and pains and let them out. Also we are there to give thanks and praise for all the gifts we have. Helping/celebrating each other through songs, the drums, 'ah hos' and medicine we helped/healed each other and ourselves. At the time I actually wasn't as clear about the purpose of the sweat as I am now. I couldn't have written the above back then. I took Eli up there because at the time he was about the small vehicle and I wanted to show him the big vehicle. We would argue about activism and aestheticism. I would say "We need to change the world." He would say "We need to leave the world." I hope we have come a long way from there.

I thought of him recently because times are looking like we need to really just save ourselves. In a head stand earlier, I was imagining lifting off. I thought about my dream practices and I heard another one of my secret master's voice, "Learn to move alone."

I am surrounded by good people. I love and cherish them. They are also looking for that door to the other side. I feel I need to practice with them whatever they feel good about practicing. At the same time I don't want to teach this, I don't know what I am really doing, so how can I teach? We can get caught up in ritual and forget the reasons we do what we do.

Awareness, questions, mental strectching is happening all around us. The middle road is getting clearer. Maybe a little ride in the big vehicle and a lil ride in the little vehicle will get us/me there.

Movie directorDavid Lynch has been promoting Transcendental Meditation. He even has a Myspace for it. I like what it says, but unfortunately all I have found ends with a big ole price tag. ?!?!? Anyone got the hook up?


Pedo, blog: four letter words

Is blogging robbing me of the time to be writing something more significant?

Before I went on my very brief summer vacation, my mentor, homeboy Harry G. told me "You need to publish at least two things before you come back to teaching. It is the only thing that really seperates you in your job searches." I have a couple of things out but not of any big big value. I always take his words to heart. I admire his writing and manipulation of language as he said many years ago, more or less: "To turn the english lanuage into shards of glass and weapons to use against them."

At the beginning of my break I got offered a book review for the "LA Times," but because I had exchanged some emails with the writer of the book I was supposed to review, I couldn't be ojective, so they retracted their offer.

I have sat at my computer and thought of deep things to write about. Nada came to me. As you can read I've thrown up some things on here. Argued on others blogs. But I have done nothing to seperate me in the job searches.

Harry G. has told me many stories of writers and artists who came into their own later in life. He also told me about Chicano time, not that we are always late to things, but that we do function at a different pace in life, sometimes faster, sometimes slower. We get married and have kids too young sometimes. Take a vacation and see the world too late in life. We find our muse or cause and blow it up, only to be perceived as that is all we have to say for the rest of our life. We don't find our real muse or cause until we can only use our last breaths to get it out.

Is blogging like the silent farts that no one knows about? Only a few make a stink for those near. Gee I'd hate to be remembered for that one, but fuck it.

Another homeboy, Ese Rudy! (only I can call him that!) said this in an interview with Harry G.

So this makes me keep thinking about what good thing should I be trying to leave behind. hmmm
Let me get off this machine and keep looking. Keep making some footprints.
I'll be back


The scariest film out now is...

"SICKO" by Micheal (you media sluts love to hate) Moore.

I've seen "Hostel" and other contemporary 'horror' movies, but none left me as scared as SICKO, because it is real and could happen to me or someone I care about.

It left me almost shaking in fear. I was also depressed. This is not to say you shouldn't go because it is scary and depressing, it means you have to go because you need to see it.

Sure we know our health care system is screwed up, but this documentary puts faces to the story and compares our system to England's, France's and Cuba's. It really lets you know that in this country, if you cannot afford health care you are totally at the mercy of your insurance company's whims (if you are insured). Our capitalistic system is immoral. Our current health care system, which is a reflection of our capitalist bent, is also immoral on the same grounds. This leads to my second must see film

This explains it all. Corporate mentality which functions as a psychopath does, has infected most of us and is leading us down an unsustatainable path to death.

Scary stuff. View with caution. Makes "Hostel" look tame.