T.M.

Many years ago, after I devoured most of Carlos Castaneda's books, went through the Tao Te Ching, various Buddhist writings, attempts at meditation, consumed various psychotropic gifts of the gods -among other safe and not so safe journey's to find the meaning of life, I still feel like a piece of pollen flying on the body of a bee, falling on a flower or two only to be swept up again on another journey.

At first I learned the path to Nirvana was a solo journey that required me to leave this world and all its trappings behind.
I also learned I needed to dream my way out of here by creating a dream double and learning to will myself into the various layers of reality.
These were both 'small vehicle' views of the purpose of life. Save your ass, leave the rest behind.

Next I learned I needed to share knowledge and experiences, connect and reflect, to be able to purify myself and the world of its problems in my miniscule way. I had to pick my piece of the rock and chip away at it. Eventually all of us who are chipping away would make a break through to the other side and help lead others to Nirvana.
This was the 'large vehicle' view of the purpose of life. Helping others will help you, for you are the others as much as you are you.

The answer of course is always somewhere in the middle.

It is never easy to find that middle ground.

My homeboy and fellow traveler, Eli Star, was a DJ who I admired for his spirituall grounding and mixing of dope ass tripped out music. I took him up to the mountains one time to share in a sacred sweat ceremony. As I have learned, the sweat makes us one, we return to the Earth womb, and we are all united. At the same time we are there to deal with our own demons and pains and let them out. Also we are there to give thanks and praise for all the gifts we have. Helping/celebrating each other through songs, the drums, 'ah hos' and medicine we helped/healed each other and ourselves. At the time I actually wasn't as clear about the purpose of the sweat as I am now. I couldn't have written the above back then. I took Eli up there because at the time he was about the small vehicle and I wanted to show him the big vehicle. We would argue about activism and aestheticism. I would say "We need to change the world." He would say "We need to leave the world." I hope we have come a long way from there.

I thought of him recently because times are looking like we need to really just save ourselves. In a head stand earlier, I was imagining lifting off. I thought about my dream practices and I heard another one of my secret master's voice, "Learn to move alone."

I am surrounded by good people. I love and cherish them. They are also looking for that door to the other side. I feel I need to practice with them whatever they feel good about practicing. At the same time I don't want to teach this, I don't know what I am really doing, so how can I teach? We can get caught up in ritual and forget the reasons we do what we do.

Awareness, questions, mental strectching is happening all around us. The middle road is getting clearer. Maybe a little ride in the big vehicle and a lil ride in the little vehicle will get us/me there.

Movie directorDavid Lynch has been promoting Transcendental Meditation. He even has a Myspace for it. I like what it says, but unfortunately all I have found ends with a big ole price tag. ?!?!? Anyone got the hook up?