Emotional Reflux

The other day I learned how/why my parents got married. It was not good. Equal parts: grand ma’s misunderstanding, brother’s exaggeration and a whole mess of complacency on both the future ma and pa.

I never have seen them hug and kiss. Nor look at each other with desire or pride. Never heard one compliment the other. Never seen a random act of kind love. Never have seen a couple in love.

Except on TV and films and there is so much drama there, you know.

“I wanted to run away. If there was some family to go to, I would have. I didn’t love him, I just liked him. I kind of felt sad for him. Always talking about his hometown and how he missed it.”

Drama, but no love.

I admire resiliency, strength, conviction, faith, endurance, consistency, dependability, responsibility, loyalty, self-sacrifice, and positivity.

I’ve seen that.

I’ve also seen: fear, jealousy, greed, selfishness, non-communication, aggression, passive aggression, resignment, insecurity, absence, stagnation, complacency, loss of hope, pettiness, and stubbornness.

So it is, por vida.

Friends have said we can change or act in the opposite of what we have seen or learned. But what do we do with the teachers? Do we continue to witness and absorb? Do we alter the relationship? How much?

Over many fights, disconnects, re-connects and drama, I now recognize some of my bad habits and have not acted when they come around and want me to scratch the itch. That is different. How long and how many mistakes must I make before I recognize all my bad habits and begin to not do them any more? I often feel like Heathcliff who thought he did everything he could, everything he should, but time, place, and old scars get in the way. Will I be like Heathcliff waiting on the moors since hindsight is usually 20/20.

One friend just told me to “Stop and do not get involved with anyone, anymore, ever again.”

That would be different.

R.O.F.L.M.A.O

12:06:45pm

SENT BOX: Is it 'happy Friday?' Or Good Friday, or both?

INBOX: Well it is good Friday until noon. Now that jesus has died it is happy martini friday : )

Endings & Beginnings & endings & beginnings

Everything that has a beginning, has an end.
Everything that has a beginning has an end?
Everything that ends starts a new.
Everything that ends starts a new?

Old axiom(s) that never ceases to confuse. To give hope. To sting a little.

Nothing has a beginning nor an end.
Nothing has a beginning nor an end?

What if Janis Joplin was right and it is just the same old shit?
Unless we are able to relinquish our will there is a little relief in that.

Ending is liberating, relief, growth, breath, clear (hopefully), painfull, shocking, awakening, scary, uncomfortable, etc...
Beginning is too, so are they the same thing?

Possibilty
Open to possibility
Is this an illusion? Is it all laid out for us already? Is there any choices? Or is there only left, right and back each with pre-determined paths? Even the choice of direction may be hardwired into us so it only seems like a choice but we seem to always make the same choice, so how is that a choice?

om


(It is Good Friday, lots of Catholics are fasting, attending mass, and feeling guilty over Jesus' persecution by the Jewish/Roman government. I remember when I was much younger, still faithful to the church and feeling so guilty over havng sex with my girlfriend on Good Friday, right after we got home from church. Lately, I often fast on Fridays for meditative, health and cleansing reasons. Today I feel like going in the opposite direction and indulging in everything. Is this a new direction or simply responding to an old cycle that emerges in me every so often? Am I just rebelling still against a church I left so many years ago? Or am I 'in tune' with my needs? Let's go have some carne!)

om

LOL

Spring break update

P-3000 y La Red-y
Thursday: Rode to Olvera to roll with Semillas, caught Teatro Campechana, headed out a lil after 1pm, lots of support, green t-shirts of hope everywhere. Great rally, took over the street, rode back to BH about 3:30 to meet ma'. Eat at overpriced Pasadena eatery, end up watching equally pretty but vancant film, good talk time with ma'. Home to relax and put aloe vera on. Got word on charter approval later that night. A-ho!


Friday: got Q, ate bad, came hm., chilled out, got out to Critical Mass, rode west, south, west again, north, east, rest at Pan Pacific Pk, down to Hollywood Blvd., and flew down Western from Franklin, loved it.

Vega, Mendoza, Orozco y Gamboa

Saturday: Gamboa's shoot is great time. Old friends and new. All have some form of degree from a university, 25 Chicana/os, dressed in black, on Lake, gathering at Borders, over to Trader Joes, load up a cart, eat on the terrance, walk to Winchell's looking like am unplanned procession, sit at tables as Gamboa directs us. DOPE.
Aterciopelados was Arteciopelados. A skilled live act. A later blog on music and me will explain my ambiguity. Great time overall.
La Virgen de Guadalupe, Pachuco 3000 y Cyber-Fabi

Q climbing high
Sunday: Picinic with the Noodle Family at Griffith park: delicious food, cards, soccer, catch, people watching, magic, clowns, hiking, monkey in the middle, saw a party with a full on copper pot making chicharones. Love the Noodles. No DEEP. Sleep. The Sun can burn me out.

Johnny Blaze & P-3000
Monday: CSUN, $, bank, get Johnnies Blaze & Vegas in Montebello, over to El Rodeo in Pico for the buffett, tacos de ojo like only in the Eastside, looking like a painting came to life, unreal. Munch down on the Birria! Back to BH to drop and pick some stuff, to Elysian park for a lil hike, back through Antigua to get some cafe, in Montebello Boom Boom Studios in time for 15min into the first half of the finals. I mix a mix solo, then 2x2 with J Blaze.

Tuesday: Home here writing to space & to you. Later today need to visit Bob's on Whittier and cut down the virtual stack of essays awaiting.

Passivity

I am passive...

I am passive as I wait for a leader, instead of using my own voice which truly speaks from my heart.

I am passive as (some) of the government is on trial for high crimes and misdemeanors that have left people homeless, penniless, illiterate, lifeless.

I am passive as the nation loses civil rights once thought necessary to keep tyranical leaders at bay.

I am passive as a war rapes, tortures and kills at the request of corporations who were born in this country.

I am passive as I watch someone else do their thing, as I may not necessarily know what MY thing is all the time.

I am passive as the planet heats up, cooking me, maybe drowning me, eventually starving me off of her for abusing her.

Are you being passive?
Have you been passive?
Can we all stop being passive?
Really, do have any time left to keep being passive?

Spring Break!

Today: March for Semillas; hang out with mom
Friday: pick up the Q; do the Critical Mass ride
Saturday: meet with Harry Gamboa Jr.; Aterciopelados show
Sunday: April Fool's Day; DEEP
Monday: pick up my pay check

open for suggestions: Vegas, Puerto Nuevo, TJ, what do you recommend?

Academia Semillas del Pueblo is re-chartered!!!

They, we, you all did it!